Posted - 03/11/2014 : 18:58:32
| Okay MP, time for me to impart some wisdom onto you again as you seem to be slipping.
Having lost his "Ostrich" tag that I gave him a year odd back, MP seems to have returned to his old ways. Perservering with players who are not giving it their all, forgetting birthdays, making a pig's ear of substitutions and generally behaving like a care home inmate.
Why hasn't he launched a pre-emptive strike on Stamford Bridge (or, more accurately, Mourinho - as he's the only thing keeping that lot top of the league at the moment)? If I were MP, I'd even pay for it out of my own wages. I'd call up some underworld contacts and arrange for a small "accident" to happen.
Of course, there's a much simpler solution than phoning your local hit squad. The answer, of course, is to get the tickytacks right (that's Timspeak for tickytacks of course).
1) YaYa - crap at defending, much better when pushed further forward. So.. push him further forward and tell him he doesn't have to defend. He doesn't defend anyway, so you're not losing anything. Look upon this as gaining another attacking option.
2) Formation. Currently (and for just about ever) 4-4-2. MP, you are NOT Mike Bassett FFS. Get a sodding grip. 4-4-2 went the way of the DoDo. It's clearly better to have 4-2-3-1. You can still have width in this formation AND you can accommodate both Fernando and Fernandinho. Not only that, by playing both these guys together, you'll get on the commentators tits too... not only will it win us matches but we'll get a good laugh listening to Martin Tyler and Gary Neville f**k it up! A sideline to this tactic would, of course, be to force Fernando to change his name by deed poll to Fernandinho. We could even change their shirt numbers by deed poll as well. I can just imagine Alan Hansen's head exploding (we all wish it would). Of course I wouldn't get to see it myself as I haven't watched Match of the Day since 1906 (when Hansen first joined the lineup). Under my new system, not only will we confuse commentators but we will also confuse our opponents? HOW SO??? I hear you scream. Well, the first thing will be a lack of a free run at our back four. It worked for Hadrian. When he stuck that wall up, the Scots got so confused that they were rubbish at football for, well, ever really. We'll also have a lot more success in Europe. Since the attacking players won't know what's happened, they'll naturally give us the ball. All we then have to do is pass it to YaYa whilst telling him that the next flight to Barcelona leaves from the stand behind the opponents goal. He'll be up there trying to run through that netty thing before you know it. Altogether now.... 1-0 to the champions, 1-0 to the champions....
3) Joe Hart. Stop telling him he's rubbish and give him a nice big hug. And send him to Anger Management.
4) Mangala. Teach him to defend properly. Demichelis can't play every game as he has to pick his pension up every Tuesday. I can't believe we paid 30+ million for someone who can just run quickly..... did we?!
5) David Silva. Tell him he's never ever ever ever ever to be injured again, ever.
6) Stop losing games and start winning all games. Forever.
If we get battered in the CL again (and really, we really do have the players to get out of this group - but sadly not the points!) then unless MP wins the league, I think he'll be out. Who the heck do we get in then? I don't fancy that Dutch chap down the road. He spent 150 million and his team are four points worse off than they were at this stage last season. Klopp is second bottom of the league (or something, so I hear) and Mourinho is married to Chelski. I think I'd like Koeman though.... he got rid of Southampton's rubbish players and they're above us in the league.
Sooooooooooooooo............ WILL MP change his tack? I doubt it and I therefore think we'll be finishing 2nd - about 200 points below Chelski who are going to win every game 2-1 from now until the end of time.